Inspired from “The Courage to Be Disliked” by Fumitake Koga & Ichiro Kishimi

In today’s interconnected world, where social media reigns supreme, many of us are constantly bombarded by the opinions and judgments of others. Whether it’s a like, a comment, or a share, we’ve become conditioned to seek validation from external sources. But is this constant need for approval truly about others, or is it a reflection of our own insecurities? “The Courage to Be Disliked” delves deep into this topic, suggesting that our preoccupation with others’ opinions is, in fact, the ultimate form of selfishness.

1. Making the World Revolve Around Us

One of the most profound insights from the book is the idea that when we care excessively about others’ opinions, we’re essentially trying to make the world revolve around us. It’s not truly about understanding or connecting with others; it’s about wanting to be seen in a certain light, to be validated, and to be acknowledged. This need to be at the center of attention, even if it’s just in our own minds, is a form of selfishness. We’re placing our need for validation above genuine human connection.

When you act in ways that please others, you receive validation, leading to a sense of accomplishment and happiness. This need for affirmation is for your own “contentment”, not for the sake of others. So, when you care what others think, you use others just to feel a sense of “happiness” in yourself. Isn’t the true selfishness?

2. The Illusion of Connection

While it might seem that caring about others’ opinions shows that we value connections and relationships, this is often an illusion. When we modify our behavior, beliefs, or values based on what we think others might think of us, we’re not truly connecting with them. Instead, we’re presenting a facade, a version of ourselves that we believe is more acceptable or likable.

3. The Ego’s Defense Mechanism

Deep down, many of us fear rejection or isolation. This fear stems from our ego’s desire to protect itself. By constantly seeking validation from others, we’re essentially looking for evidence that we’re worthy, loved, and accepted. But this constant need for external validation is a defense mechanism. It’s a way to avoid confronting our own insecurities and self-doubts.

4. The Freedom of Detachment

“The Courage to Be Disliked” introduces the liberating concept of detachment. This doesn’t mean cutting ties with everyone or becoming indifferent. Instead, it’s about understanding that our self-worth isn’t tied to others’ perceptions. By detaching ourselves from the constant need for approval, we can discover our true selves and live authentically. This authenticity fosters genuine connections with others, as we interact with them without the veil of pretense.

5. The Journey to Self-Actualization

When we stop being prisoners to others’ opinions, we embark on a journey of self-discovery and self-actualization. We start to pursue passions and interests that resonate with our true selves, not just what’s deemed “popular” or “acceptable.” This journey might be challenging, as it requires confronting deep-seated fears and insecurities. However, the rewards—inner peace, genuine relationships, and a life lived on our own terms—are well worth the effort.

Conclusion

Caring excessively about what others think might seem like a selfless act on the surface, but when delved deeper, it’s rooted in our own insecurities and the desire for validation. By wanting the world to revolve around us and our need for affirmation, we inadvertently place ourselves above genuine human connection. “The Courage to Be Disliked” challenges us to break free from these chains and embrace the freedom that comes with authenticity. By doing so, we not only enrich our own lives but also foster deeper, more genuine connections with others.

Note: This blog post is inspired by the themes and concepts from “The Courage to Be Disliked.” It’s recommended to read the book for a comprehensive understanding of its teachings.