Reading time: 3 minutes

Ah, love! That enchanting dance that makes the world seem brighter, the birds sing sweeter, and every little quirk of our partner utterly endearing. But what happens when the music slows down, and the dance loses its rhythm? Adlerian Psychology offers a fascinating lens through which we can explore this transformation, suggesting that it’s not the dance that changes, but rather the way we feel about our dance partner. Let’s dive into five scenarios about how we behave in the presence and absence of love.

Example 1: A partner’s penchant for planning surprises can be exhilarating and romantic at the beginning of a relationship. However, when love wanes, the same surprises might be deemed intrusive or unnecessary, illustrating how the decline in affection alters our appreciation of a loved one’s actions. The partner may find reasons to avoid such surprises once they truly loved, because he or she is now ‘mature’, or ‘practical’.

Example 2: In another scenario, a partner’s habit of leaving small love notes might initially be seen as a sweet gesture, fostering feelings of appreciation and affection. Yet, if love starts to fade, these notes could be viewed as clingy or overbearing, highlighting the shift in perception stemming from the change in emotional attachment. Once the love has diminished, one might assert their independence, proclaiming that they are capable of ‘self-sufficiency’ and can look after themselves.

Example 3: Imagine a partner with a knack for telling jokes, their humour lighting up the room and your heart. In the beginning, every joke is a melody, but as love fades, the melody turns into a cacophony. Now the types of jokes once they laughed together become boring.

Example 4: A partner’s tendency to share every detail of their day can be endearing when love is strong, fostering a sense of closeness and connection. However, when affection diminishes, this openness might be seen as tedious or annoying, underlining the impact of our feelings on our interpretation of behavior.

Example 5:
Contemplate the frequent check-ins – those reassuring calls and messages that whisper, “I care.” In the initial warmth and glow of love, these check-ins serve as a comforting embrace, a gentle reminder of the bond shared and the concern that one person holds for the other. In the absence of love, the intentions behind the frequent check-ins are questioned, and the space for understanding and appreciation narrows. The reassuring “I care” starts to sound more like an intrusive “I’m watching,” turning the act of reaching out into a source of tension rather than comfort. Nothing changes actually in most cases, but love!

Next time we find ourselves complaining about something that once brought joy, let’s take a moment to pause and reflect. Are the circumstances truly different, or has the melody of our heart changed its tune?

Reflective Conclusion: It’s essential to recognize that we humans are adept reason-finders; we have a knack for crafting narratives that justify our feelings and convince ourselves that we are unequivocally right. In fact, according to Alderian Psychology, our perceptions and reactions are often more about us and our emotional state than about the objective reality of the situation. While this Adlerian perspective holds true in many instances, it’s also important to acknowledge that there are exceptions, albeit rare. Every relationship is a unique dance, and while understanding these psychological insights can guide us, it’s also crucial to navigate each step with openness, self-awareness, and a willingness to explore the myriad complexities of love.

Next time we find ourselves complaining about something that once brought joy, let’s take a moment to pause and reflect. Are the circumstances truly different, or has the melody of our heart changed its tune?

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