“Helping others is only truly helpful when it empowers them to help themselves.”

In every social setting—be it family, friends, or the workplace—there exists a category of people who seem endlessly helpful. These individuals often stand out as they are the first to offer a helping hand, the ones who advocate for others, and are celebrated for their generosity. At face value, their acts of kindness appear genuine. But behind this facade, a more insidious reality sometimes lurks. These are what I call toxic helpers—people who help not to empower others, but to keep them dependent.

The Need for Validation
Toxic helpers thrive on external validation. They don’t offer assistance to foster independence in those they help, but rather to ensure that their aid is continuously sought. They enjoy being perceived as essential, as the person others rely on during tough times. What they seek is not the satisfaction of seeing others grow, but the ego boost that comes from being seen as indispensable.

This need for validation often manifests itself in subtle, manipulative behaviors. For instance, a toxic helper may become silently resentful when someone else steps in to provide help. Imagine a scenario where a junior colleague receives assistance from someone else. The toxic helper, though they might not express it openly, feels undermined. They believe that they could have offered superior help, or worse, they feel angered that they weren’t chosen. They won’t express these feelings because doing so would reveal their true motivations, making them less likely to be approached for help in the future.

The Unconscious Desire for Struggle
One of the more damaging traits of toxic helpers is their unconscious desire for others to continue struggling. They derive satisfaction from stepping in during moments of crisis. As a result, they might secretly hope that problems persist for those they claim to help. After all, if everything were going well, there would be no need for their assistance, and without that, where would they derive their sense of self-worth?

For example, if they’ve helped someone in the past, they subtly position themselves to help that person again in the future, assuming problems will arise. They are often quick to judge, thinking they are the only ones capable of offering the right solution. It’s as if they silently wish for people’s problems to be perpetual, ensuring that they remain in demand, continuously receiving validation for their self-appointed role as a savior.

Ego-Centric Motivation
At the core of toxic helping is an inflated ego. The act of helping, in itself, isn’t wrong. However, when the motivation for helping stems from an egoistic need to be seen as knowledgeable or superior, it becomes problematic. These individuals don’t assist out of genuine empathy or compassion; they do it because it’s the easiest route to validation. Offering advice, intervening in crises, or simply being the go-to person for help strokes their ego, making them feel superior and important.

But this type of help is fleeting and hollow. Since it’s not grounded in genuine care, the moment they stop receiving validation, they may withdraw, frustrated or even bitter that their efforts are not appreciated enough. The relationship becomes transactional—dependent on the toxic helper’s ongoing need for praise and recognition.

The Harm They Cause
The damage caused by toxic helpers is often subtle but profound. Their help keeps others in a loop of dependence, never allowing them to fully grow or solve their problems on their own. People who fall into their orbit often feel inadequate, as the toxic helper subtly communicates that without their intervention, things would fall apart.

Moreover, toxic helpers create an unhealthy dynamic where struggles are unconsciously prolonged. Instead of empowering others to stand on their own feet, they ensure that problems never truly disappear, thereby securing their place as the constant savior.

Recognizing and Breaking Free from Toxic Help
If you find yourself always turning to a particular person for help, ask yourself: are they empowering me, or am I becoming increasingly reliant on them? A genuine helper will guide you toward solutions that allow you to grow and become independent, while a toxic helper will make you feel like you can’t manage without them.

And if you suspect you might be falling into the toxic helper role, it’s essential to reflect on your motivations. Helping others can be a beautiful, fulfilling act—when done for the right reasons. Instead of seeking validation through your aid, strive to offer help that genuinely empowers others. Let go of the need to be needed and, instead, focus on fostering growth and independence in those you assist.

True generosity is rooted in the desire to see others thrive on their own, even if it means stepping out of the spotlight. Toxic helpers, with their hidden manipulations and ego-driven motivations, can only offer short-term relief. But genuine helpers? They offer something far more valuable—freedom.