Subway Confessions

Dileep was on the subway, minding his own business, when a stranger leaned over and said, “Nice shirt! It reminds me of my grandma’s tablecloth.” Dileep’s mind went into overdrive. Does my shirt really look like that? What was I thinking this morning?

But then he paused, chuckled, and thought, “Why am I letting this random comment ruin my mood?” And there it was—the moment of epiphany about the importance of self-boundaries.

Self-Boundaries: Your Internal Fortress

Imagine your mind is a fortress. Without self-boundaries, every stray comment and thought becomes a Trojan horse, sneaking in and causing havoc. Self-boundaries are the gates that you control. You decide what gets in and what stays out.

Picture this: You see someone suffering, and suddenly, you’re overwhelmed with their pain. Now, instead of one person suffering, there are two. Now both of you need help! People are happy when the other person also feel their emotional turmoil, because it gives them a sense of validation to their emotional instability. This is a temporary way (but sometimes needed!) to fix their emotional issues, and the root cause of their problems still remains unsolved. Instead of participating in their emotions and make the situation worse, acknowledge their pain, offer assistance (like referring them to a counselor), and then get back to your day. This is not about being an emotionless, cold-blooded person. It’s just about seeing things clearly and objectively, not in terms of what you like and what you don’t like! If we all did this, the world would have a lot less collective suffering.

Creating self-boundaries involves establishing principles—your personal code of conduct. Maybe 70% of your principles align with those of your friends, but it’s the unique 30% that makes you, well, you. And that’s okay! These principles guide your thoughts and actions.

Friend: “I heard about that sad news. Aren’t you feeling awful?”

Dileep: “I do feel for them, but I’ve learned to maintain my peace. I’ve offered the possible help, and now I need to focus on my responsibilities.”

How to keep self-boundaries?

To enforce self-boundaries, start by reducing the number of thoughts per minute. If you have 100 thoughts, aim for 20 or less. This is where mindfulness or similar meditation techniques come in. Yes, when you first close your eyes, you might see all your worries, like finding dead rats under your bed. Unpleasant, but necessary to clean up. Sometimes, you don’t see anything at all, both are okay! It takes time, like learning any skill.

Friend: “Meditation? No thanks. I can’t deal with all that negative stuff in my head when I close my eyes.”

Dileep: “It’s like cleaning a messy room. Unpleasant at first, but the peace you feel afterward is worth it.”

Boundaries with Others: Space is the Place

Once you have strong self-boundaries, setting boundaries with others becomes easier. It’s about giving people the space they deserve—some close, some further away.

Imagine always hugging someone while trying to move around. It’s not practical, right? Boundaries are not walls but essential for functional relationships. You can’t read a book if it’s too close to your face. Similarly, relationships need appropriate distances to thrive.

Family Dinner Conversation:

Mom: “Why don’t you call your cousin every day?”

Dileep: “I need my space to function well. We catch up regularly, but daily calls are too much for me.”

Interestingly, the closer the relationship, the more essential the boundaries. Without them, relationships can turn toxic.

Sibling Talk:

Sibling: “You should always be there for family, no matter what.”

Dileep: “True, but being there doesn’t mean losing myself. Boundaries help us stay healthy and connected. If you don’t understand, try to understand it first.”

Remember, boundaries are not walls that isolate us. They’re like the lines on a football field—they define the playing area but allow the game to happen.

Friend: “Why are you so distant lately?”

Dileep: “I’m not distant; I’m just setting boundaries. They help me stay balanced and be a better friend.”

The Rotten Rat Analogy

Why don’t people practice mindfulness or meditation? Because when they close their eyes, they see all their miseries and emotional turmoil. It’s like finding dead rats under your bed. Instead of dealing with it, they use room freshener to mask the smell. This temporary fix never lasts, and the rotten smell will always return until you clean it up.

People avoid cleaning up their mental mess by distracting themselves with cheap dopamine distraction like coffee, drugs, alcohol, Netflix, gossip, parties, music, and dance. None of these are inherently good or bad, but they become tools for avoiding the real issue.

Self-boundaries naturally reduce overthinking, judgments on others, and emotional instabilities. How? By deliberately reducing the number of thoughts per minute. Be aware of your thoughts and practice mindfulness.

The Crowded Mind Analogy

Imagine moving through a crowded area where everyone is too close to you. This is what happens to your mind when you keep people too close without boundaries. You will choke.

Boundaries in Relationships: The Clearer, the Better

The closer the relationship, the clearer and more necessary the boundaries. Without them, the relationship can become toxic.

Relative: “Why aren’t you more involved with family issues?”

Dileep: “I am involved, but I also need boundaries to maintain a healthy relationship and avoid toxicity.”

Boundaries are essential ingredients for meaningful relationships. Imagine always hugging someone and trying to move around like that. You can’t breathe or do anything properly. This is what happens when you keep people too close without boundaries.

Friend: “Why are you setting boundaries with me?”

Dileep: “To ensure our relationship remains healthy and functional. Boundaries are like the lines on a football field—they allow the game to happen smoothly.”

Boundaries are Your Best Friend

Boundaries are not walls but essential guidelines that help you maintain inner peace, reduce overthinking, and foster healthier relationships. Next time someone comments on your grandma-style shirt, smile and move on. You’ve got your fortress, and it’s rock solid.

Dileep got off the subway, feeling lighter and more confident. Boundaries, he realized, are the key to a balanced and happy life. And with that thought, he smiled and went about his day, knowing that he had the power to control what entered his mind and how it affected him. Remember, boundaries are not about keeping people out but about maintaining your peace and well-being. So go ahead, set those boundaries, and live your best life!